Connor Who?

IMG_9291.jpg

I think I am a pretty proud guy. One who, I think has always made it seemed like he has his shit together. And for the most part I have.

It was only yesterday that I could admit it to myself though, I am going through some shit.

I’ve recently come out of a four-year relationship with a girl that was a huge part of my development as a person. No crazy break-up story though I’m afraid. I mean, she had her shit together too, probably still does. Great Job, huge amount of drive and passion, braces had just come off and was definitely going places. Quick.

We had a beautiful apartment in Bondi, the car, the cookbooks, the furniture, the vitamix. Everything except the dog.

Something I am only just coming to grips with now is how much she had become a part of my identity. I shared in her actions and beliefs, in a lot of ways claimed them as my own. My life was paved for me for sure, I knew the next steps in my life and I knew how things would turn out 10 years from now. That’s probably why I was so generous with all my life advice at the time.

You know there’s a huge sense of ease that comes from belonging. When you know that no matter what you’ll always have someone to come home to. And due to the nature of her job, that home would always be a pretty fancy one.

Now I am at this point where I have to build that for myself. From the ground up. I guess I had lost that drive, that fire to work hard because I knew things would work out even if I didn’t.

I still think I have my shit together. There’s not a lot for 24 year olds with the perspective on life or the self awareness I have. However, when I look at my bank account and living situation in comparison it tells a different story.  

It goes to show how fragile it all is. I’ve been left as a collection of values, with a chance to reinvent it all.